apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
