I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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