WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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