handjob tips. give me some.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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