Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
