You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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