So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
