I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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