Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
