There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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