Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
