Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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