Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
