I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
