I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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