I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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