Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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