Are we in a gay sports bar?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
