There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
