we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
