Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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