its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
