Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
