it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
