and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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