His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
