ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
