Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
