Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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