Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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