he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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