I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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