Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We're too hungover to prance.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize