I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
