Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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