i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
