You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
