I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize