Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
