You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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