Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
