I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
