Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
