I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
