her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
