The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
