put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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