3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
