fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he fucked my hip out of place.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
