dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
