forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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