i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
