The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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