She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
