she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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