I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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