You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
