if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
