Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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