Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
