its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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