I've blown a few things in my day
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
