The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
