I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
