I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
