sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
