i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
